Image found on Facebook
For about the past three years, I’ve been holding tightly to these two precious words: CHOOSE JOY. It began with meeting a beautiful, precious three year old blond girl, loving and wanting her as a permanent part of our lives, losing her, mourning her…and finally..learning to let go of her, choose joy and trust God. I did some pretty hard core mourning for those first ten years. Mourning the loss of her after 16 months with us, as well as the loss of hope for other children to call our own. Then two things happened, I read a blog post (maybe by Jacqueline at Deep Roots at Home?) about putting your child or desire for a child as more important than God, an idol, and I heard about the Choose Joy conference for those dealing with these issues. I realize now that I was already on a fresh new path of healing in my marriage and my relationship with my Lord, but these two things seemed to kick start my healing over my lack of children.
Since then, I have worked every day to TRUST GOD over questions and sorrow, and to CHOOSE JOY over mourning, even when I don’t want to. Some days it’s still super hard to do, but I really feel a difference. I can even get through those two hardest days (her birthday and Mother’s Day) without sobbing all day now. But a couple of other things have also been helpful the past couple of years: we’ve heard that she is doing well, and people like me are FINALLY being recognized and encouraged around Mother’s Day. I am so very thankful for the reminders that God truly does CARE about me and the sorrows that I endure, and He’s always there sending me little encouragements to keep my head up and CHOOSE HIM and CHOOSE JOY!!
My husband said something to me several months back that I also hold onto: that maybe in heaven/on the new earth, I’ll be taking care of motherless children. We don’t know exactly how it all works, and what ages and stages we will be at with our new bodies, but it gives me hope. Because God doesn’t give us random desires for no purpose, for pure sorrow, so there must be a a reason for my unfulfilled 40 year old desire. Assuming my desire started when I was six, but I just know it’s what I always remember wanting, marry young and have children. I finally married, not young and am still waiting on the children part, or for Him to take away the desire. I know He has a great and perfect job for me for eternity. I trust that, somehow, He’ll bring Beauty for Ashes. For now, I’m working on being content, trusting and CHOOSING JOY, every day.
Isaiah 61:3: “To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”