For some of us, Mother’s Day can a be a bittersweet day for different reasons, and that’s true for me. I often wish I could just disappear for the day, and I sort of do, but if I truly disappeared I wouldn’t have to feel the feelings I feel every year. I had planned to write this on Saturday, but I ended up being too emotional over the weekend, ironically, it started because there were 5 or 6 people I don’t know in real life reaching out to people like me on Facebook. That’s the most sensitivity and support I’ve ever seen from those who are mothers and have no issues with Mother’s day, but it brought out the tears in me.
Christmas is hard and our little sweetheart’s birthday is hard, but Mother’s day has it’s own, more complicated issues. The mother I grew up with lived in so much fear, that she isolated herself from us and tried too hard to control everything about our lives. If only she could have realized that she was only pushing us further away. There’s more to the story, but that’s all I need to say about the estranged relationship for now. I met my first mother when I was 17 and just began a real relationship with her a couple of years ago. Mis-leadings and miscommunications prolonged our true reunion, but I am so blessed to finally have her in my life! We haven’t been able to have children of our own, and we no longer have the little sweetheart girl God entrusted to us for 16 months. as we pursued adoption. She was 4 when she went back to her first mom the Friday before Mother’s Day 11 years ago. So, for many reasons, Mother’s Day is difficult for me.
Before I married, I prayed for several years about the man I would marry and the family I would marry into. I knew I needed a family I could fit in with and celebrate life events with. So now I have a great mother-in-law, and when we are with her on the day, it really helps give me another focus. This year I also have my first mother and that helps also. It’s so great to have her in my life!!
I first saw these photos of myself when I was about 18 years old. I had no idea what I looked like as a baby before that!!
So, although I still can’t bring myself to attend church on Mother’s Day, I absolutely love that our church spoils mothers on that day!!! I WANT them too! But I just can’t take the offhanded greetings of “Happy Mother’s Day” from people and the exclusion I feel. It’s just too hard. I’ve had people close to me, who love me, share a heartfelt and loving card or sentiment for that day and it means so much to me. But often times, many people are just saying the expected greeting to everyone, and although they don’t mean to hurt me, it still hurts. So I find it easier to stay away, especially if I suddenly burst into tears!
This year I’m so thankful for the thoughtful words of people I only know through their blogs and Facebook, for reaching out, having a great mother-in-law and having my first mother in my life! Mostly I’m thankful that God is always here for me and offers me comfort and strength every day!
I am thankful I was remembered. I wasn’t forgotten. A tiny bit of the loneliness was eased. I didn’t feel so alone in this path I didn’t choose for myself. Someone recognized we don’t all get the happy ending we’ve longed for since we were children ourselves. I felt thankful.
I love this song by JJ Heller that is a reminder of who God is in the midst of struggles:
Ex 15:2 “The LORD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father’s God, and I will exalt Him.”
Psalm 28:7 “The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.”
3:1 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.”
I pray that God will give strength and comfort to any of you who may be going through infertility issues, adoption issues or mother issues.